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Random insult of the week: Jesus

Every week, random crap finds another Random person to insult...

This is one of these topics which are “not done”, but I’m sick of His popularity! It drives me nuts, and it really annoys me!

People thinks he’s so great just because he could turn water into wine. Wow, he can turn water into wine! How convenient at parties and birthdays. But did you ever consider the fact that this encourages our children to drink? Don’t get me wrong, I like to drink some wine on proper occasions as well, but will somebody please think of the children?!? I don’t want my children reading literature which promotes alcohol!

Now if he could turn wine into water, I’d be impressed. Sadly, Jesus apparently found it a lot more fun to use his skills as a form of entertainment, which really disappoints me. I expected more from the Son of God.

The Gay Bomb weapon

As you may all know, the Americans attempted to build a gay bomb back in the 90’s which would make their foes irresistible to each other. After the drop, all men having had contact with the gay bomb would immediately have contact with uhm… other men.

However this weapon was never finished. Or was it? Recent reports proving the opposite have caused public suspicions even within the UN. When asked about the weapon President Bush subtly avoids the question “Gays? Where!?”.

We at the Random Crap news team decided to investigate and have come up with some disturbing news.

A giant wave of homosexuality has been spotted in France. This wave is so huge it could only have come from the gay bomb. Is this the start of a new world war? Probably not, the men of France are currently occupied with other things than waging war and the women are massively emigrating to Germany. Stay tuned for more news!

South Park Episode 09x01

Inspired by the South Park episode 01 of season 09, or “Mister Garrison’s fancy new vagina”, I’ve concluded the following things.

Sometimes people are born in the wrong body, and hence are greatly saddened by this apparently terrible mistake of nature. It’s a really natural thing to want to have a penis instead of a vagina, or the best of both worlds. Luckily for these poor nature-screwed people, there is something called “cosmetic surgery”.

This fantastic ethical business provides you with a new chance, a new beginning. The dawn of a new era as a woman, or a man. If done professionally, no one will notice the difference between you and any other ugly woman meaning you can go out and get your pussy pounded without anyone noticing you’re a dude! For a fair price of a generous 5 figure number, you can change your life, on the outside!

The Cowards!

I found this somewhere on the net… and I think it’s quite easy to state something like that when you haven’t been in such a situation. Anyway, no point doing a satire on this as it’s ridiculous enough on its own.

Spirit of Self-Defense

By: John Derbyshire, National Review Online

As NRO's designated chickenhawk, let me be the one to ask: Where was the spirit of self-defense here? Setting aside the ludicrous campus ban on licensed conceals, why didn't anyone rush the guy? It's not like this was Rambo, hosing the place down with automatic weapons. He had two handguns for goodness' sake—one of them reportedly a .22.

At the very least, count the shots and jump him reloading or changing hands. Better yet, just jump him. Handguns aren't very accurate, even at close range. I shoot mine all the time at the range, and I still can't hit squat. I doubt this guy was any better than I am. And even if hit, a .22 needs to find something important to do real damage—your chances aren't bad.

Yes, yes, I know it's easy to say these things: but didn't the heroes of Flight 93 teach us anything? As the cliche goes—and like most cliches. It's true—none of us knows what he'd do in a dire situation like that. I hope, however, that if I thought I was going to die anyway, I'd at least take a run at the guy.

The earth is flat!

I saw the light. Yes, raw intelligence and persuasion at its best have lead me to believe that the earth is indeed flat. No, not believe… I KNOW for a fact that the earth is flat! NASA and the governments of every single country in the world have fooled us for too long. I will do my utmost best to spread out the word!

If you’re wondering why you’ve never seen a photo of the flat earth model, it’s because NASA fakes all of the round earth pictures. You haven’t seen the giant ice wall holding our atmosphere because it’s being closely guarded too (and we’re not going to complain about air being thinner than ice and therefore leaving the ice wall!). Why on earth would they do such a thing? We don’t know, but we presume it’s money!

What about the stars?

The sun and the moon are each 32 miles in diameter. They circle around the Earth at 3000 miles altitude. Their functions are similar to a spotlight, with the sun radiating hot light and the moon radiating cold light. Being spotlights, they only shine out over a small area. This explains the process of day and night!

All of the problems you still have with this theory that I haven’t yet addressed, you can ask on this splendid forum and I’m sure they’ll be delighted at you taking an interest in their marvellous theory!

Year of the week 1980

Led Zeppelin decides to split up, the geeks are happy with a new star wars film and the United States imposes economical sanctions upon Iran. Yes, it was a really bad year for a lot of people. But there were some positive things about 1980!

Nelson Mandela crushed apartheid… well he tried to… from within a prison. Ooh and then there was John Lennon… who got shot… and died. Ooh and a terrorist attack in Italy… that’s no good either right?

Ok maybe it WAS a bad year, but the good thing was that after 10 years of hell those dreadful tasteless eighties would finally end.

Masturbation side effects

A recent study has showed that pulling your Benjamin, dick, willy or Junior will cause permanent baldness, dizziness and proper arm strength. An earlier study had already highlighted the risk of blindness amongst wankers. The scientists have carefully studied groups of a 1.000 individuals each pulling their dong a different amount of times a week. The group that had the highest workload suffered from blisters, cancer and loss of hair while the group that refrained got a job promotion, a better love life, $10.000 and a cookie.

This once again proves that being ethical pays off!

The church of refraining,

Technorati

I joined technorati to check it out and possible get some new readers. It's pretty much a communication service for bloggers to find similar blogs such as your own, or just other blogs to read.

Profile

I hope this proves to be interesting...

The wii and excercise

Ever seen the stereotype of the fat guy behind his computer? Not lately? Well that’s because of the revolutionary Nintendo wii! This fine new piece of electronics has drastically changed the lives of lots of gamers.

Our scientists have recently discovered that the average movements of fat guys have increased by a grand total of 40%! A simple technique was used to measure the impact of earthquakes using a seismometer to prove this. More evidence can be found in the decrease of giant spandex shorts sales, and fire escapers get less and less rescue calls for fat guys who got stuck in a chair.

This awesome piece of equipment is the perfect substitute for real sports, and should get a spot on the Olympics!

Ban violent games

Nowadays it appears to be normal for our kids to play games in which the purpose is to kill your fellow man. Games such as GTA and Counter-Strike corrupt our children’s minds. For too long have our children been allowed to play these violent video games!

There’s a direct link between the popularity of GTA and the amount of traffic violations!

As you can clearly see, and graphs never lie, there’s been an increase in car accidents after the distribution of GTA. We thereby strive to take this game out of the shops, drastically decreasing our yearly traffic victims.

The popular game Counter-strike has been directly responsible for the recent rise of terrorism throughout the world. Everyone who plays terrorists in this popular game has a 77.42% increased chance of becoming a terrorist, while there’s only a 33.81% increased chance of working for the secret service. This game is an outrage and for national security reasons every copy of this game has to be destroyed immediately!

I hope for the sake of our children and national security we’ll end the reign of these terrible games and replace them with religious games about the adventures of Jesus and Mozes.

Ideology of the WEAK: Anarchism

Do you hate order? Are you against any form of control and shiver at the fact of having to pay taxes? Become an anarchist!

No more police forces to stop criminals from breaking the law, breaking in and breaking out. No more silly laws which stop you from having sex with animals, little children, or co-workers. Never again will you be legally punished for walking around naked in circles around the drinking fountain in which you spontaneously pee.

Free us from the dreadful world of politics, and become an anarchist!

Year of the week: 1872

In this week’s segment of year of the week, the year 1872 will be thoroughly reviewed. It was a bad year for men and a good year for meteorites.

On November the 5^th a lawbreaking female suffragist named Susan B Anthony had the nerve to vote! The woman was given an arrest warrant and a $100 dollar fine which she never paid. This lawbreaking bitch is one of the founders of the retarded phenomenon called ‘feminism’, and possibly a lesbian.

The only good thing about the year 1872 is that it’s been so long that this Susan B has obviously passed away.

More coming next week!