50th post... the prospect of the future

Greetings [insert whatever it is I called the lowlifes that read my blog here]!

I know it's been a while, and that I've let you all down... but I have a really valid reason. I hate you. Right now, I see a really big ressemblance between christianity and my blog (and you all know how I feel about religions!):

1. You all think I rock, while others think I should be stoned to death
2. You've betrayed me three times already before whatever the damn book said!
3. I've been gone for ages leaving only a print of retarded dwellings of the mind.
4. You think those dwellings are the truth and that the second coming will happen.

Well brace yourselfs... for just as Jesus came back as Tom Cruise (they're VERY similar) I again will return in the form of an idiot. An idiot that will advocate his free speech ideas in a way that can only be described as...

RANDOM CRAP STYLE!


All in favor of me starting a random crap site please raise your hands?

Cynical

I'm the new blogger on here. The aussie one. Why am I here? I'm here to be as cynical as possible - no sugar-coating here. Perhaps not quite the same random crap fare - there could even be some serious comment - but nevertheless, hopefully entertaining.

The rich / poor divide

Ahh, the rich / poor divide, perhaps. Statistics show (keep in mind, all ye nitpickers, the exact numbers are unimportant - it's the general idea which is important) - that the average person in the western world has at least 20 times the usage of resources of the average person in the third world. Consider that.

Near where I live, there is a 'housing commission' suburb (ie subsidized government housing for the poor). As one would expect, this is a patently bad idea - increasing crime, etc. "let's just put all the desperate people together, shall we?". Anyway, the thrust of this is thus:

Of these people, there are a ridiculous amount of overweight people - many of whom i'd even describe as morbidly obese, taking up two bus seats. Such a problem does not affect the rich here. And it's much the same elsewhere in the western world - many of the poor have health problems due to being *overweight*.

Consider this for a moment.

This is utterly ridiculous. Consider the fact that upwards of half of most people in sub-Saharan Africa (not including South Africa of course) don't even have enough food to feed themselves properly.

Yet the *poorest* in the Western world have problems due to gluttony!

And yet, this is not even the start of our arrogantly selfish consumerism here in the western world. Sure, many of the possessions we have are very entertaining, and have a relatively low impact - or are even very, very useful to society itself, e.g. computers.

What I'm saying is that we should stop this selfishness, this blind arrogance. Perhaps we've inherited it from our racist European forebears, it's part of our psyche (and I'm referring to culture here, not race.) When Europeans arrived in the New World, they immediately exploited the people already living there as much as possible - and the same elsewhere in the world. Slavery is a topic for another day though.

Concluding comments

Does it really matter if your internet is capped, say, when, upwards of a billion people in the world, and probably more like 2 billion, live every day just to feed themselves?

Random Crap gets a new writer!

Yes, I have officially become THAT lazy. This new australian writer is not particularly funny, but he's still learning! Try to not treat him with the same kind of hatred and lurking you've treated me in the past. (you bastards!)


Yay, New Random Crap!

Indeed, I once again promise to increase my posting activity. And will eventually break that promise again. But the fact that I'm honest about it increases my credibility as a blogger right? Right?


What will he be posting about?

He's one of those people who doesn't like the current and awesome state of the world, and will most likely be posting about that. I mean, what's wrong with the current rich/poor ratio? I mean I'm rich right? Right?

Welcome Cynical! Welcome!

Why Random Crap doesn't use euphemisms

One of the key lessons in life… ALWAYS use euphemisms. (unless you’re in the entertainment business) Obviously since Random Crap is supposed to be hilarious, I usually refrain from using euphemisms. However this has a moral reason aswell.

Being straight to the point

It’s unfair that you would get punished for telling the same as someone who used a euphemism did. Using a less ‘respectful’ word for saying the exact same unrespectful thing, makes you equally big jerks . A small example would be…

“You’re a filthy whore!”

The person obviously doesn’t use a euphemism and adds a ‘filthy’ to describe all of the diseases a prostitute could have.

“You’re a prostitute!”

This person still calls someone a prostitute… but just figures the prostitute knows of her health/personal hygiene state.
So why should the first person get a slap in the face while the second one just gets an angry word? It makes no sense at all!

Always lie

That’s right! People like it when you lie to them. Why else are there so many dumbasses who fall for obvious internet scams? The only explanation is that people don’t like the truth. If you tell them the truth, they’ll be ungrateful/unhappy and won’t bring in a lot of money… So if you wish to form a business… lie to people! Scam them! Fill your pockets with their blood money! And for God sakes… when a fat guy walks into a McDonalds… don’t tell him he’s fat! It could potentially ruin the world’s economy.

Random Crap tells the Truth

I’m always straight to the point… you’ll never find me hiding behind irony or satire to make a statement. I even hate people who use pseudonyms to post on their blog, there’s no bigger lie than lying about your identity. For the record, my name is actually Random T Crap, and I’ve been made fun of a lot because of it…

Anyway, Random Crap's posting activity will be again increased for as much as I can.

Random Crap is seriously screwed!

It was a tough call to decide between posting this, and about my night two nights ago. Because the charismatic author of Random Crap does have feelings, (regardless of what one may think) I’ve chosen for ‘this’.

You’re screwed?

Oh yes I’m screwed. I’m so screwed it’s too funny even for random crap to handle. Never has anyone screwed up this badly before, since the Romans made Christianity their state religion. What have I done you ask? Lets just say laziness isn’t bliss…

Is Random Crap screwed aswell?

Random Crap will never die… it’s a lifestyle! Though due to my recent screwing up I tend to not find great/funny content to post about. I’m quite certain this is a temporary thing, and once I get over myself, I’ll be able to post some Random funny Crap again.

Signed,
The temporary not funny Random Crap idealist

Random Crap’s fun pause!

Because Random Crap is tired of coming up with funny crap all the time, posting will be on hold for a while. The reason is this: It’s vacation, the birds are singing and the women are screaming for attention. I know this goes against one of my own commandments, but I’m pretty sure Jesus broke the 10 commandments aswell (I’ll post about that sometime). What should you do when I’m gone? Preferably, write awesome content for my blog to keep it going and to make me filthy rich!

Unfortunately that probably won’t happen, so I suggest you go to a random crap clinic while I’m gone. (you’ll find one in [insert smelly city here] Detroit. (damnit!)
There are however a few things anyone can help me with. During my pause I’ll write a buffer of posts so I won’t have to take a pause anymore and will have something semi-decent atleast every day.

So what do I need?

• More requests for reviews

• More feedback on anything

• Boobies... I mean inspiration. If you want me to write on something just ask.

The pause should normally not last very long...

Not That Funny

Have you ever laughed about something for ages while it was actually not that funny? I’m not talking about “not that funny” as in political humor. (example: it’s not funny because it’s horrible and wrong) But what I’m talking about is really silly, pointless and stupid crap. (yet not so random) Ofcourse Random Crap wouldn’t be named Random Crap if it didn’t have a post about this… sadly it doesn’t have a post about it and hence will be named differently in the near future.

(I’m just kidding, here’s the post!)

Greatest of all time

I’m the proud owner of the very best joke in the universe. Already at age 15 had I taken the extremely difficult burden of humor upon me to endlessly provide joy and happiness for those that deserve it. Yes, in theory I may aswell be a hero (in reality an idiot) but I don’t spend my time talking about how great I am unlike other heroes (hiro nakamuro, I’m on to you!).
Anyway… the greatest joke in the world. I had a certain teacher who would everyday use the elevator to get to the third floor (he was what one would call, disgustingly fat) and one day he arrived 5 minutes late and excused himself for it. I whispered into my neighbor’s ear: “I bet the elevator broke down.”

That’s not that funny

I know damn it, that’s the point of this post! It was funny at a certain time and in a certain context, and will be funny again whenever a fat guy, who uses an elevator daily, arrives late. Does anyone actually ever listen to what I say? (granted that this was a verbal conversation) And also, do I get your thoughts right in all of my inner titles?

I encourage everyone who laughs at similar silly things to comment about them so we can all quote you and say “That’s not that funny!” aswell.

Random facts about fat people: Greatest Hits

Yes, Random Crap is obviously at its peak… so it’s time for a greatest hits post! I’ll be summarizing all of my insults towards fat people for all of you new readers, and who knows... I may even add some new ones for the die hard Random Crap fans!

The ten commandments of a blogging doctrine: “Thou shalt not make thyself an attention whore. Only two things deserve attention on this blog. The (upgraded to) divinely inspired blog author, and the divinely screwed over part of society. If you do not fit into any of these categories, you’re obviously extremely fat, and hence actually belong in the second category.”

The Fat Tax : “How come we get so repulsed by smokers that we forget about how abhorrent fat people eating near you are?”

The Wii and exercise: “Our scientists have recently discovered that the average movements of fat guys have increased by a grand total of 40%! A simple technique was used to measure the impact of earthquakes using a seismometer to prove this”

Different ways to lose fat: “Public chairs and toilets are at danger of being broken, our roads decay much quicker than usual and during stretching exercises in gym classes, some fatties look like what could only be described as a walrus flossing.”

Cheap way of getting fresh content

I realise this, and I feel very guilty about it. But unfortunately I have one exam left... which is tomorrow. There’s been going on much lately in the ‘real’ life, which will all stop consuming my time the day after tomorrow (the actual day after tomorrow, which is now today!).

Some more random facts about Fat people:

They smell fear, so whenever you see one remain calm and for Gods sakes, whatever you do... don’t feed it! It’s like an old saying ‘you give it a finger and it eats your whole arm’ (I’m pretty sure I’ve got that one entirely wrong though).

I was also going to post a “how to spot a fat guy”, but I guess it’s pretty obvious how to spot one...

Random Facts about Random Crap

I sometimes make up words whenever I can’t come up with one. Somewhere in this blog you’ll see that I mention the key to success is “imaginating things”, and I’m pretty sure there are more examples scattered around the Blog... whenever I attempt this in the future, comment about it and make me look like a foreign fool!

Speedcat Hollydale has been crapped on

For my segment of “I’ve been crapped on” I will review blogs for free in my stupid Random Crap way of reviewing blogs! That’s right, expect no mercy, sympathy or something else that rhymes with “e” from me! More information on how to get your blog reviewed for free can be found here.

This is Random Crap’s first attempt of ridiculing another blog, so I have chosen the blog to make fun of wisely. This time it’s “Speedcat Hollydale Page” ’s turn to be crapped on. You can put every single blog into three categories:

• Blogs that give obvious helping tips (money blogs etc)

• Blogs that amuse (I’m pretty much the only one here…)

• People who whine about their personal lives

On first sight, it seems like Speedcat Hollydale mostly whines about his personal life and hence fits in the third category. This category is usually what we would call “not interesting” or the “please kill me right now” kind of boring.
However, in some cases it actually may be quite interesting, especially if the person is an imprisoned criminal. What is my reasoning behind suspecting Speedcat Hollydale to be a con? First of all, the undeniable fact that he looks like one. Lets just face it people a mustache makes you look more like a criminal, and there’s no need to be annoying about that. But the more conclusive evidence is the following: Remember when someone couldn’t access my site due to being blocked by the windows parental control filter? This person was in fact mister Speedcat Hollydale. And apart from school kids, the only other people which have the windows safety filter on are criminals!

So tell me Mister Speedcat, how did you pull it off to get those pictures of you on a golf court? Did you pay the guards to let you out for a moment to deceive us? Is it even you on those pictures? Your time of lying and manipulating is over! OVER I TELL YOU!

edit: I actually forget the link to Speedcat Hollydale

Discrimination is not funny

Just like the great Jesus who once divided the ocean into two separate pieces (wait, that was Mohammed…) I will split my blog into two pieces aswell! Just as Microsoft chose to block my site (on the Windows safety filter) and hence discriminate people who like reading Random Crap, I will discriminate people who don’t like Random Crap!


What people?
You all know who I’m talking about, but no one has had the guts to speak up yet… Before you ask, no, it’s not the Jews. I mean sure they’re not always that great, and they’re mainly a bunch of asocial secluded asses who think they’re better than us, but I usually don’t discriminate people who have money. That would go against everything I stand for! And by God do I stand by my principles, until the right offer comes along ofcourse.


WHAT PEOPLE!?
The kind of people I’m talking about are the ones that find family guy STILL funny after 3 series, the ones that watch Leno EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! The people that laugh when you make a joke about shit or pee. These people are a menace to society and should be dealt with. Too long has our comedy been mainly aimed towards the mass, when the mass just isn’t funny!


Die Endlösung
We must exterminate all non funny people immediately, preferably in a rather humorous way. The best way to achieve this would be a parody on world war II, but only slightly funnier. (Germans have no sense of humor) Since I’ve already done the parody thing, what other ideas would you have to kill off not so funny people in a funny way?


Not so funny people in a funny death:

1. Get Mr. T to do it (no matter what happens, it’s always funny, even after 20 years!)
2. Get Conan O’brien to pull a lever, and kill the victim with a Chuck Norris video. (yes, that’s all it takes…)
3. Get Bill O’reilly to lecture about impartiality in a TV-show and give the other guy a gun. (whoever he shoots, win/win)
4. Any of the Jackass stunts

Note: Everyone who comments on "It was Moses, not Mohammed!" deserves to die just as much as someone who likes Oprah.