Seemingly innocent things that hurt so much more

There’s a lot of people who think parents aren’t allowed to guilt their kids to keep them in line, but of course those people are all underage and hence can never be right. (after all… there is no such thing as ‘the truth’, there is only perspective and that of a parent usually wins.) Anyway… “I’m not mad at you son, I’m just disappointed”.

Yes, this kind of mind games are the purpose of this post and I even had to put some spaces between it to make that clear! You pretend you’re not something bad, to then end it by saying you’re something that’s horrible. Since I’ve never really thought about this, I figured it’d be cool to see if I could come up with new ones apart from the famous disappointment one. Here it goes:

“You weren’t that bad, I’ve had even smaller.”

“It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that I’m not attracted to you.”

“It’s nothing personal, I just don’t like the way you teach your class and I can’t learn anything like that.” (okay… that one was mine when I got myself in a position of giving constructive criticism to a teacher that annoyed me because I’m a jerk :P)

“No, no… you’re not silly, you’re just a immature.”

“You’re not dumb, someone just forgot to put on the light in there.”

“Girl, you are pretty damn gorgeous, for a slut I mean.”

“You don’t smell bad, I think you just disgust me in general.”

“I’d do you, but only if I was REALLY drunk.”

If you can come up with any more, feel free to comment and let them be known!

One year of random crap

It's been a little over a year ago since I started Random Crap, and I guess you can say that I'm not really cut out to be a blogger. Sure, I'm an awesome writer and I have the charisma of a God, but picking one consistant course and endlessly milking it is not really my thing. Don't get me wrong, hats off to all of the people who manage to keep an interesting blog going without slacking. Sadly, I don't wear a hat, so ofcourse... you're going to have to do without praise from me.
Anyway, since I did tend to enjoy doing this, (and most importantly there was some interest for it) I'm going to give it a go again. I'll be posting completely, random stuff to test my humor and writing skills again, because I'll have to write a lot of stuff for a pretty big site project soon... and the success of it pretty much depends on yours truly's writing skills :P

I'm not exactly pleased about this post yet, though ofcourse it's just an announcement. But there's absolutely no reason why announcements shouldn't be awesome, so I will give you my awesome totally neutral opinion on a list of random stuff.


Women: They only want one thing... BABIES!
Babies: Excellent food source in times of crisis.
Innocence: It made you like the olson twins for a while.
Garbage: Awesome band... the singer likes being peed on though... so it's sort of a double feeling when I hear her sing "I'm only happy when it rains".
Survivor without cameras: Lets not even go there.
Feminists: All women should be treated like queens... so we can drastically increase the odds of them showing us their boobs.
Titanic: I hate you celine dione, I mean... it's not like Canada was so interesting before you.
Love: An invincible urge to make someone happy.
Power: I took a personality test... and one of my preferred careers is "dictator".


That's it for now... I'll write something else soon.

50th post... the prospect of the future

Greetings [insert whatever it is I called the lowlifes that read my blog here]!

I know it's been a while, and that I've let you all down... but I have a really valid reason. I hate you. Right now, I see a really big ressemblance between christianity and my blog (and you all know how I feel about religions!):

1. You all think I rock, while others think I should be stoned to death
2. You've betrayed me three times already before whatever the damn book said!
3. I've been gone for ages leaving only a print of retarded dwellings of the mind.
4. You think those dwellings are the truth and that the second coming will happen.

Well brace yourselfs... for just as Jesus came back as Tom Cruise (they're VERY similar) I again will return in the form of an idiot. An idiot that will advocate his free speech ideas in a way that can only be described as...

RANDOM CRAP STYLE!


All in favor of me starting a random crap site please raise your hands?

Cynical

I'm the new blogger on here. The aussie one. Why am I here? I'm here to be as cynical as possible - no sugar-coating here. Perhaps not quite the same random crap fare - there could even be some serious comment - but nevertheless, hopefully entertaining.

The rich / poor divide

Ahh, the rich / poor divide, perhaps. Statistics show (keep in mind, all ye nitpickers, the exact numbers are unimportant - it's the general idea which is important) - that the average person in the western world has at least 20 times the usage of resources of the average person in the third world. Consider that.

Near where I live, there is a 'housing commission' suburb (ie subsidized government housing for the poor). As one would expect, this is a patently bad idea - increasing crime, etc. "let's just put all the desperate people together, shall we?". Anyway, the thrust of this is thus:

Of these people, there are a ridiculous amount of overweight people - many of whom i'd even describe as morbidly obese, taking up two bus seats. Such a problem does not affect the rich here. And it's much the same elsewhere in the western world - many of the poor have health problems due to being *overweight*.

Consider this for a moment.

This is utterly ridiculous. Consider the fact that upwards of half of most people in sub-Saharan Africa (not including South Africa of course) don't even have enough food to feed themselves properly.

Yet the *poorest* in the Western world have problems due to gluttony!

And yet, this is not even the start of our arrogantly selfish consumerism here in the western world. Sure, many of the possessions we have are very entertaining, and have a relatively low impact - or are even very, very useful to society itself, e.g. computers.

What I'm saying is that we should stop this selfishness, this blind arrogance. Perhaps we've inherited it from our racist European forebears, it's part of our psyche (and I'm referring to culture here, not race.) When Europeans arrived in the New World, they immediately exploited the people already living there as much as possible - and the same elsewhere in the world. Slavery is a topic for another day though.

Concluding comments

Does it really matter if your internet is capped, say, when, upwards of a billion people in the world, and probably more like 2 billion, live every day just to feed themselves?

Random Crap gets a new writer!

Yes, I have officially become THAT lazy. This new australian writer is not particularly funny, but he's still learning! Try to not treat him with the same kind of hatred and lurking you've treated me in the past. (you bastards!)


Yay, New Random Crap!

Indeed, I once again promise to increase my posting activity. And will eventually break that promise again. But the fact that I'm honest about it increases my credibility as a blogger right? Right?


What will he be posting about?

He's one of those people who doesn't like the current and awesome state of the world, and will most likely be posting about that. I mean, what's wrong with the current rich/poor ratio? I mean I'm rich right? Right?

Welcome Cynical! Welcome!

Why Random Crap doesn't use euphemisms

One of the key lessons in life… ALWAYS use euphemisms. (unless you’re in the entertainment business) Obviously since Random Crap is supposed to be hilarious, I usually refrain from using euphemisms. However this has a moral reason aswell.

Being straight to the point

It’s unfair that you would get punished for telling the same as someone who used a euphemism did. Using a less ‘respectful’ word for saying the exact same unrespectful thing, makes you equally big jerks . A small example would be…

“You’re a filthy whore!”

The person obviously doesn’t use a euphemism and adds a ‘filthy’ to describe all of the diseases a prostitute could have.

“You’re a prostitute!”

This person still calls someone a prostitute… but just figures the prostitute knows of her health/personal hygiene state.
So why should the first person get a slap in the face while the second one just gets an angry word? It makes no sense at all!

Always lie

That’s right! People like it when you lie to them. Why else are there so many dumbasses who fall for obvious internet scams? The only explanation is that people don’t like the truth. If you tell them the truth, they’ll be ungrateful/unhappy and won’t bring in a lot of money… So if you wish to form a business… lie to people! Scam them! Fill your pockets with their blood money! And for God sakes… when a fat guy walks into a McDonalds… don’t tell him he’s fat! It could potentially ruin the world’s economy.

Random Crap tells the Truth

I’m always straight to the point… you’ll never find me hiding behind irony or satire to make a statement. I even hate people who use pseudonyms to post on their blog, there’s no bigger lie than lying about your identity. For the record, my name is actually Random T Crap, and I’ve been made fun of a lot because of it…

Anyway, Random Crap's posting activity will be again increased for as much as I can.

Random Crap is seriously screwed!

It was a tough call to decide between posting this, and about my night two nights ago. Because the charismatic author of Random Crap does have feelings, (regardless of what one may think) I’ve chosen for ‘this’.

You’re screwed?

Oh yes I’m screwed. I’m so screwed it’s too funny even for random crap to handle. Never has anyone screwed up this badly before, since the Romans made Christianity their state religion. What have I done you ask? Lets just say laziness isn’t bliss…

Is Random Crap screwed aswell?

Random Crap will never die… it’s a lifestyle! Though due to my recent screwing up I tend to not find great/funny content to post about. I’m quite certain this is a temporary thing, and once I get over myself, I’ll be able to post some Random funny Crap again.

Signed,
The temporary not funny Random Crap idealist

Random Crap’s fun pause!

Because Random Crap is tired of coming up with funny crap all the time, posting will be on hold for a while. The reason is this: It’s vacation, the birds are singing and the women are screaming for attention. I know this goes against one of my own commandments, but I’m pretty sure Jesus broke the 10 commandments aswell (I’ll post about that sometime). What should you do when I’m gone? Preferably, write awesome content for my blog to keep it going and to make me filthy rich!

Unfortunately that probably won’t happen, so I suggest you go to a random crap clinic while I’m gone. (you’ll find one in [insert smelly city here] Detroit. (damnit!)
There are however a few things anyone can help me with. During my pause I’ll write a buffer of posts so I won’t have to take a pause anymore and will have something semi-decent atleast every day.

So what do I need?

• More requests for reviews

• More feedback on anything

• Boobies... I mean inspiration. If you want me to write on something just ask.

The pause should normally not last very long...

Not That Funny

Have you ever laughed about something for ages while it was actually not that funny? I’m not talking about “not that funny” as in political humor. (example: it’s not funny because it’s horrible and wrong) But what I’m talking about is really silly, pointless and stupid crap. (yet not so random) Ofcourse Random Crap wouldn’t be named Random Crap if it didn’t have a post about this… sadly it doesn’t have a post about it and hence will be named differently in the near future.

(I’m just kidding, here’s the post!)

Greatest of all time

I’m the proud owner of the very best joke in the universe. Already at age 15 had I taken the extremely difficult burden of humor upon me to endlessly provide joy and happiness for those that deserve it. Yes, in theory I may aswell be a hero (in reality an idiot) but I don’t spend my time talking about how great I am unlike other heroes (hiro nakamuro, I’m on to you!).
Anyway… the greatest joke in the world. I had a certain teacher who would everyday use the elevator to get to the third floor (he was what one would call, disgustingly fat) and one day he arrived 5 minutes late and excused himself for it. I whispered into my neighbor’s ear: “I bet the elevator broke down.”

That’s not that funny

I know damn it, that’s the point of this post! It was funny at a certain time and in a certain context, and will be funny again whenever a fat guy, who uses an elevator daily, arrives late. Does anyone actually ever listen to what I say? (granted that this was a verbal conversation) And also, do I get your thoughts right in all of my inner titles?

I encourage everyone who laughs at similar silly things to comment about them so we can all quote you and say “That’s not that funny!” aswell.

Random facts about fat people: Greatest Hits

Yes, Random Crap is obviously at its peak… so it’s time for a greatest hits post! I’ll be summarizing all of my insults towards fat people for all of you new readers, and who knows... I may even add some new ones for the die hard Random Crap fans!

The ten commandments of a blogging doctrine: “Thou shalt not make thyself an attention whore. Only two things deserve attention on this blog. The (upgraded to) divinely inspired blog author, and the divinely screwed over part of society. If you do not fit into any of these categories, you’re obviously extremely fat, and hence actually belong in the second category.”

The Fat Tax : “How come we get so repulsed by smokers that we forget about how abhorrent fat people eating near you are?”

The Wii and exercise: “Our scientists have recently discovered that the average movements of fat guys have increased by a grand total of 40%! A simple technique was used to measure the impact of earthquakes using a seismometer to prove this”

Different ways to lose fat: “Public chairs and toilets are at danger of being broken, our roads decay much quicker than usual and during stretching exercises in gym classes, some fatties look like what could only be described as a walrus flossing.”

Cheap way of getting fresh content

I realise this, and I feel very guilty about it. But unfortunately I have one exam left... which is tomorrow. There’s been going on much lately in the ‘real’ life, which will all stop consuming my time the day after tomorrow (the actual day after tomorrow, which is now today!).

Some more random facts about Fat people:

They smell fear, so whenever you see one remain calm and for Gods sakes, whatever you do... don’t feed it! It’s like an old saying ‘you give it a finger and it eats your whole arm’ (I’m pretty sure I’ve got that one entirely wrong though).

I was also going to post a “how to spot a fat guy”, but I guess it’s pretty obvious how to spot one...

Random Facts about Random Crap

I sometimes make up words whenever I can’t come up with one. Somewhere in this blog you’ll see that I mention the key to success is “imaginating things”, and I’m pretty sure there are more examples scattered around the Blog... whenever I attempt this in the future, comment about it and make me look like a foreign fool!

Speedcat Hollydale has been crapped on

For my segment of “I’ve been crapped on” I will review blogs for free in my stupid Random Crap way of reviewing blogs! That’s right, expect no mercy, sympathy or something else that rhymes with “e” from me! More information on how to get your blog reviewed for free can be found here.

This is Random Crap’s first attempt of ridiculing another blog, so I have chosen the blog to make fun of wisely. This time it’s “Speedcat Hollydale Page” ’s turn to be crapped on. You can put every single blog into three categories:

• Blogs that give obvious helping tips (money blogs etc)

• Blogs that amuse (I’m pretty much the only one here…)

• People who whine about their personal lives

On first sight, it seems like Speedcat Hollydale mostly whines about his personal life and hence fits in the third category. This category is usually what we would call “not interesting” or the “please kill me right now” kind of boring.
However, in some cases it actually may be quite interesting, especially if the person is an imprisoned criminal. What is my reasoning behind suspecting Speedcat Hollydale to be a con? First of all, the undeniable fact that he looks like one. Lets just face it people a mustache makes you look more like a criminal, and there’s no need to be annoying about that. But the more conclusive evidence is the following: Remember when someone couldn’t access my site due to being blocked by the windows parental control filter? This person was in fact mister Speedcat Hollydale. And apart from school kids, the only other people which have the windows safety filter on are criminals!

So tell me Mister Speedcat, how did you pull it off to get those pictures of you on a golf court? Did you pay the guards to let you out for a moment to deceive us? Is it even you on those pictures? Your time of lying and manipulating is over! OVER I TELL YOU!

edit: I actually forget the link to Speedcat Hollydale

Discrimination is not funny

Just like the great Jesus who once divided the ocean into two separate pieces (wait, that was Mohammed…) I will split my blog into two pieces aswell! Just as Microsoft chose to block my site (on the Windows safety filter) and hence discriminate people who like reading Random Crap, I will discriminate people who don’t like Random Crap!


What people?
You all know who I’m talking about, but no one has had the guts to speak up yet… Before you ask, no, it’s not the Jews. I mean sure they’re not always that great, and they’re mainly a bunch of asocial secluded asses who think they’re better than us, but I usually don’t discriminate people who have money. That would go against everything I stand for! And by God do I stand by my principles, until the right offer comes along ofcourse.


WHAT PEOPLE!?
The kind of people I’m talking about are the ones that find family guy STILL funny after 3 series, the ones that watch Leno EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! The people that laugh when you make a joke about shit or pee. These people are a menace to society and should be dealt with. Too long has our comedy been mainly aimed towards the mass, when the mass just isn’t funny!


Die Endlösung
We must exterminate all non funny people immediately, preferably in a rather humorous way. The best way to achieve this would be a parody on world war II, but only slightly funnier. (Germans have no sense of humor) Since I’ve already done the parody thing, what other ideas would you have to kill off not so funny people in a funny way?


Not so funny people in a funny death:

1. Get Mr. T to do it (no matter what happens, it’s always funny, even after 20 years!)
2. Get Conan O’brien to pull a lever, and kill the victim with a Chuck Norris video. (yes, that’s all it takes…)
3. Get Bill O’reilly to lecture about impartiality in a TV-show and give the other guy a gun. (whoever he shoots, win/win)
4. Any of the Jackass stunts

Note: Everyone who comments on "It was Moses, not Mohammed!" deserves to die just as much as someone who likes Oprah.

Microsoft Finds me Offensive

Yesterday I received this message from one of my readers: “Windows Parental Controls has blocked access to this webpage. HTTP 450 crapdom.blogspot.com What you can try: If you want access to this website, you will need permission. Ask an administrator for permission.”
Basically, the parental control filter in Windows Vista flagged my blog as inappropriate for children. While I obviously see the benefits of such a filter, I also see a violation of our free speech. Upon researching this, (that means asking a single coder) I’ve discovered that the program is led by a bunch of conservative American Christians who love to selectively filter out crap to “save” your children.

This will obviously have a negative effect on my blog traffic. So instead of removing every single “offensive” word on my blog, I’ll do the opposite and add some “fucking” more!
I seriously wonder on what other software I’m flagged upon as offensive, so I’ll do some efforts to getting flagged on other shit aswell now. (Don’t you press the “flag as offensive” button on blogger you asshole…!”) I’ll even make a list of services that have recognized me to be offensive, bad mannered or plain evil.

Crazy American Christian services Word Triggering test: Fuck, shit, happiness, porn, sex, socialism, poverty, islam, the jews, Buddha, Mohammed, Every other channel but FOX news

PS: If you know of a software/whatever that flagged me as inappropriate than please notify me so I can add it to my to be made list. Help Random Crap in it's struggle against Bill Gates!

Link love for other blogs

For my newest idea, I’m particularly counting on your input. Do you own a blog/site, and would you like to get a free link in a post about your blog? I imagined you’d think there’s a catch, but there really isn’t. There’s no requirements of linking back to me whatsoever and there’s no payment involved either.

Seriously dude, what’s the catch?

Fine… the ‘catch’ is that I’ll be writing a review on your site using the wonderful Random Crap style! That’s right, expect irony, satire absurdum and a very selective comprehension of information on your site. I will consider anyone’s requests, and will also expect them to be mature when they read the final post that shows up in my blog. I never censor things out and I’ll also never let you read my post in advance, just so you know :-)

For information on how to contact me, click this link. I’ll respond to every request, but do remember that I’m not a robot… it’s not a guarantee that I’ll “review” your blog, but it’s worth a shot isn’t it?

Random Crap’s doctrine!

I First of all feel like I somehow need to explain why I suddenly want to create a doctrine. It has come to my attention that reader activity has been dropping significantly these days. It seem like my having fantastic inspiration isn’t working very well at all. So will installing a doctrine improve my terribly low ratings? Ofcourse, you might say that it was my fault for not posting in the weekends, but in my doctrine your opinion only counts when you post a comment. (talk about a difference between other doctrines!)

The Ten Commandments of a blogging doctrine

• I am the Lord thy God.

• Thou shalt not read the scriptures of other bloggers, if you do read them (and hence ignore my perfect authority), you shall do it with a critical eye. You will by all means ignore common sense and logic when defending Random Crap!

• Thou shalt not make thyself an attentionwhore. Only two things deserve attention on this blog. The (upgraded to) divinely inspired blog author, and the divinely screwed over part of society. If you do not fit into any of these categories, you’re obviously extremely fat, and hence actually belong in the second category.

• Thou shalt not make wrongful use of the name of thy God. From now on, the polite phrases “I just stepped into dog crap” and “I’m gonna take a crap” will be replaced by their more vulgar synonyms.

• Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. In essence, the sabbath is whichever damn day I choose to do nothing at all! You will not complain about my laziness, and infact keep the blog alive by posting comments and putting in extra efforts of advertising me in the blogosphere. Even if it seems like I’ll probably never return.

• Thou shalt not steal. All of my divine godliness is here for your usage, however I demand some link love when being quoted! Preferably, adding my stories to digg and other services would be greatly rewarded aswell in the second life (which probably means video blogging)

• Thou shalt not lie, except when defending the idealogical purpose of Random Crap. Lying also does not cover selectively comprehending things.

• Thou shalt wonder where the two other commandments are, and will not suspect me of laziness or lack of inspiration, for I am divine.

Purpose of a Random Crap Doctrine

I did not write this to make fun of the innocent and charismatic followers of modern day’s doctrines. I therefore would like to throw all responsibility and accountability of going to hell away from me due to misinterpretation of the text.

So why did I make this thing? Purely due to Financial reasons… a doctrine is a very nice way of getting some extra bucks.

Captian Obvious’ helping blogs

Hey everyone, here at random crap we’re always trying to come up with new and useful resources to help make you the number 1 blogger on the net! Today we’re going to look at inspiration and how you can use it to improve your blog.

Let your imagination work!

The key to success is a firm imagination. A good and healthy imagination can help make any organization top notch. In fact business’ like microsoft, Apple and IBM are all run by giant geeks with a great imagination. There’s absolutely no shame in being creative, that is if you’re going to become a billionair because of it.

Implement your inspiration

So you spent some time on imaginating and came up with an awesome idea? Great work! The next step is implementing this into your blog. Press “new post”, write your content, and then press “publish” after rereading the creation of your inspiration. Your readers will now be inspired by your inspiration and will contribute more to your blog making it one step closer to the number 1 blog!

Keep on imaginating

Your work is never complete, you ALWAYS have to keep on imaginating to get great inspiration (or in my case random crap) for your blog! The minute you stop relying on you inspiration and start relying on paid posts (by services as reviewme and others), yYou WILL lose none of your readers at all, and even still gain readers.

So use inspiration for just aslong as you get rich.

About Random Crap

Random Crap is a blog that offers a unique way of looking at the world. This view will often be looked upon as weird, shocking and life altering. We have a natural need for random crap which has to be fed. In here, it will be pleased with irony, satire and most importantly total randomness.

Are you as sick as me of the current comedy that only serves people with extremely high standards? Do you also hate the total lack of absurdum in television programs? Do you hate the fact that you always have to pretend that something’s funny just because you don’t get it?

Read Random crap now! And lower you standards!

Contact info:

AIM : IGWofRA

Something bothering you ?

Send me an e-mail about it or make a comment on the blog and I’ll do my utmost best to ridicule whichever you requested if I like the topic!

Twitter: Random Crap

Since Random Crap likes to randomly add weird features, I signed up for twitter to tell you all how I spend my interesting and most educating days.

What does it do?

Pretty much all it does is, is allow me to post whatever I'm doing right now... so not much actually. It generally just provides yet another medium for communication with my awesome yet kinda crappy readers base!

Should I join you as a friend?

I'm not all that enthousiastic of having MORE friends, but if you just HAVE to join me as a friend, than feel free to do so :)

Single mothers

This post is part of random crap’s series of "Whoa, that IS annoying!". The main purpose of this post is to enlighten people with how annoying certain crap is. After reading these posts, one will come to the final feeling of "Whoa, that IS annoying!", thus explaining the title. Yes, these posts always have quite an inspirational clue!

The modern image of a single mother is the following: An independent, very determined women who got screwed over by some jerk that knocked her up and chickened out. This image, often promoted by filthy feminists clearly degrades women and I’ll even prove it.

Exhibit A: Using the term “independent and very determined women” emphasizes that it is a rather rare thing. Due to all of the emotional weaknesses of women, feminists feel like they have to put an emphasis on the ‘determination’ and ‘independence’ of the few women that aren’t cry-babies. This achieves a quite nasty effect though, because females will associate independence and determination with being single mothers.

Exhibit B: “Who got screwed over by some jerk that knocked her up and chickened out”

What have we learnt from exhibit A? That’s right, if you want to be independent and determined, you need to raise a baby alone! We’ve also learnt that this is because female independence is a rare thing. The jerk that knocked her up (he still is a jerk, because he was never going to call her again though) wants to give his new found love some moral and financial support. Obviously being independent and determined as few females are… the female decides to ignore and even dump the jerk!

Result:

Lots of single moms who think they rule the world with their determinedness and independence! They think they can pair up on the pedestrian crossing making you have to go slightly to the right to avoid walking against a baby, those horrible filthy smelly feminists! (yes, this is actually the reason why I wrote this)

The Blogging Branch of Random Crap

After my biggest fan (mister SpeedCatHollydale) mentioned that Random Crap was “the best in the biz”, I wondered what “the biz” actually was. I mean obviously if there’s a biz than no doubt am I topping it. (yes, I said obviously AND no doubt!) But lets say there are other funny, humorous and satirical blogs out there filled with awesome yet totally random crap…

I wish to know if I am the first person ever to post random crap on a blog (regarding of the actual meaning of the word for a slight second). I mean if so… I am a pioneer and an international hero! I am the destructor of boredom with the mighty powers of irony and absurdum combined into one very effective yet highly annoying weapon.

Yes, it isn’t easy to do what I do. So if there’s anyone else that does have the same repetitive content and the same type of slightly mentally disturbed readers I’d love to read their content… so I can mock their tiny attempt of a creation to copy the master!

If anyone knows similar blogs than please notify me by still the same e-mail, a comment, or on mybloglog.

PS: Please don’t link me to fark dot com, that would be particularly mean.

Crapdom, the exploiter of boredom and protector of crap.