Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Seemingly innocent things that hurt so much more

There’s a lot of people who think parents aren’t allowed to guilt their kids to keep them in line, but of course those people are all underage and hence can never be right. (after all… there is no such thing as ‘the truth’, there is only perspective and that of a parent usually wins.) Anyway… “I’m not mad at you son, I’m just disappointed”.

Yes, this kind of mind games are the purpose of this post and I even had to put some spaces between it to make that clear! You pretend you’re not something bad, to then end it by saying you’re something that’s horrible. Since I’ve never really thought about this, I figured it’d be cool to see if I could come up with new ones apart from the famous disappointment one. Here it goes:

“You weren’t that bad, I’ve had even smaller.”

“It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that I’m not attracted to you.”

“It’s nothing personal, I just don’t like the way you teach your class and I can’t learn anything like that.” (okay… that one was mine when I got myself in a position of giving constructive criticism to a teacher that annoyed me because I’m a jerk :P)

“No, no… you’re not silly, you’re just a immature.”

“You’re not dumb, someone just forgot to put on the light in there.”

“Girl, you are pretty damn gorgeous, for a slut I mean.”

“You don’t smell bad, I think you just disgust me in general.”

“I’d do you, but only if I was REALLY drunk.”

If you can come up with any more, feel free to comment and let them be known!

Monday, April 28, 2008

One year of random crap

It's been a little over a year ago since I started Random Crap, and I guess you can say that I'm not really cut out to be a blogger. Sure, I'm an awesome writer and I have the charisma of a God, but picking one consistant course and endlessly milking it is not really my thing. Don't get me wrong, hats off to all of the people who manage to keep an interesting blog going without slacking. Sadly, I don't wear a hat, so ofcourse... you're going to have to do without praise from me.
Anyway, since I did tend to enjoy doing this, (and most importantly there was some interest for it) I'm going to give it a go again. I'll be posting completely, random stuff to test my humor and writing skills again, because I'll have to write a lot of stuff for a pretty big site project soon... and the success of it pretty much depends on yours truly's writing skills :P

I'm not exactly pleased about this post yet, though ofcourse it's just an announcement. But there's absolutely no reason why announcements shouldn't be awesome, so I will give you my awesome totally neutral opinion on a list of random stuff.

Women: They only want one thing... BABIES!
Babies: Excellent food source in times of crisis.
Innocence: It made you like the olson twins for a while.
Garbage: Awesome band... the singer likes being peed on though... so it's sort of a double feeling when I hear her sing "I'm only happy when it rains".
Survivor without cameras: Lets not even go there.
Feminists: All women should be treated like queens... so we can drastically increase the odds of them showing us their boobs.
Titanic: I hate you celine dione, I mean... it's not like Canada was so interesting before you.
Love: An invincible urge to make someone happy.
Power: I took a personality test... and one of my preferred careers is "dictator".

That's it for now... I'll write something else soon.

Monday, October 15, 2007

50th post... the prospect of the future

Greetings [insert whatever it is I called the lowlifes that read my blog here]!

I know it's been a while, and that I've let you all down... but I have a really valid reason. I hate you. Right now, I see a really big ressemblance between christianity and my blog (and you all know how I feel about religions!):

  1. You all think I rock, while others think I should be stoned to death
  2. You've betrayed me three times already before whatever the damn book said!
  3. I've been gone for ages leaving only a print of retarded dwellings of the mind.
  4. You think those dwellings are the truth and that the second coming will happen.

Well brace yourselfs... for just as Jesus came back as Tom Cruise (they're VERY similar) I again will return in the form of an idiot. An idiot that will advocate his free speech ideas in a way that can only be described as...


All in favor of me starting a random crap site please raise your hands?

Friday, July 27, 2007


I'm the new blogger on here. The aussie one. Why am I here? I'm here to be as cynical as possible - no sugar-coating here. Perhaps not quite the same random crap fare - there could even be some serious comment - but nevertheless, hopefully entertaining.

The rich / poor divide

Ahh, the rich / poor divide, perhaps. Statistics show (keep in mind, all ye nitpickers, the exact numbers are unimportant - it's the general idea which is important) - that the average person in the western world has at least 20 times the usage of resources of the average person in the third world. Consider that.

Near where I live, there is a 'housing commission' suburb (ie subsidized government housing for the poor). As one would expect, this is a patently bad idea - increasing crime, etc. "let's just put all the desperate people together, shall we?". Anyway, the thrust of this is thus:

Of these people, there are a ridiculous amount of overweight people - many of whom i'd even describe as morbidly obese, taking up two bus seats. Such a problem does not affect the rich here. And it's much the same elsewhere in the western world - many of the poor have health problems due to being *overweight*.

Consider this for a moment.

This is utterly ridiculous. Consider the fact that upwards of half of most people in sub-Saharan Africa (not including South Africa of course) don't even have enough food to feed themselves properly.

Yet the *poorest* in the Western world have problems due to gluttony!

And yet, this is not even the start of our arrogantly selfish consumerism here in the western world. Sure, many of the possessions we have are very entertaining, and have a relatively low impact - or are even very, very useful to society itself, e.g. computers.

What I'm saying is that we should stop this selfishness, this blind arrogance. Perhaps we've inherited it from our racist European forebears, it's part of our psyche (and I'm referring to culture here, not race.) When Europeans arrived in the New World, they immediately exploited the people already living there as much as possible - and the same elsewhere in the world. Slavery is a topic for another day though.

Concluding comments

Does it really matter if your internet is capped, say, when, upwards of a billion people in the world, and probably more like 2 billion, live every day just to feed themselves?

Random Crap gets a new writer!

Yes, I have officially become THAT lazy. This new australian writer is not particularly funny, but he's still learning! Try to not treat him with the same kind of hatred and lurking you've treated me in the past. (you bastards!)

Yay, New Random Crap!

Indeed, I once again promise to increase my posting activity. And will eventually break that promise again. But the fact that I'm honest about it increases my credibility as a blogger right? Right?

What will he be posting about?

He's one of those people who doesn't like the current and awesome state of the world, and will most likely be posting about that. I mean, what's wrong with the current rich/poor ratio? I mean I'm rich right? Right?

Welcome Cynical! Welcome!

Monday, July 9, 2007

Why Random Crap doesn't use euphemisms

One of the key lessons in life… ALWAYS use euphemisms. (unless you’re in the entertainment business) Obviously since Random Crap is supposed to be hilarious, I usually refrain from using euphemisms. However this has a moral reason aswell.

Being straight to the point

It’s unfair that you would get punished for telling the same as someone who used a euphemism did. Using a less ‘respectful’ word for saying the exact same unrespectful thing, makes you equally big jerks . A small example would be…

“You’re a filthy whore!”

The person obviously doesn’t use a euphemism and adds a ‘filthy’ to describe all of the diseases a prostitute could have.

“You’re a prostitute!”

This person still calls someone a prostitute… but just figures the prostitute knows of her health/personal hygiene state.
So why should the first person get a slap in the face while the second one just gets an angry word? It makes no sense at all!

Always lie

That’s right! People like it when you lie to them. Why else are there so many dumbasses who fall for obvious internet scams? The only explanation is that people don’t like the truth. If you tell them the truth, they’ll be ungrateful/unhappy and won’t bring in a lot of money… So if you wish to form a business… lie to people! Scam them! Fill your pockets with their blood money! And for God sakes… when a fat guy walks into a McDonalds… don’t tell him he’s fat! It could potentially ruin the world’s economy.

Random Crap tells the Truth

I’m always straight to the point… you’ll never find me hiding behind irony or satire to make a statement. I even hate people who use pseudonyms to post on their blog, there’s no bigger lie than lying about your identity. For the record, my name is actually Random T Crap, and I’ve been made fun of a lot because of it…

Anyway, Random Crap's posting activity will be again increased for as much as I can.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Random Crap is seriously screwed!

It was a tough call to decide between posting this, and about my night two nights ago. Because the charismatic author of Random Crap does have feelings, (regardless of what one may think) I’ve chosen for ‘this’.

You’re screwed?

Oh yes I’m screwed. I’m so screwed it’s too funny even for random crap to handle. Never has anyone screwed up this badly before, since the Romans made Christianity their state religion. What have I done you ask? Lets just say laziness isn’t bliss…

Is Random Crap screwed aswell?

Random Crap will never die… it’s a lifestyle! Though due to my recent screwing up I tend to not find great/funny content to post about. I’m quite certain this is a temporary thing, and once I get over myself, I’ll be able to post some Random funny Crap again.

The temporary not funny Random Crap idealist

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Random Crap’s fun pause!

Because Random Crap is tired of coming up with funny crap all the time, posting will be on hold for a while. The reason is this: It’s vacation, the birds are singing and the women are screaming for attention. I know this goes against one of my own commandments, but I’m pretty sure Jesus broke the 10 commandments aswell (I’ll post about that sometime). What should you do when I’m gone? Preferably, write awesome content for my blog to keep it going and to make me filthy rich!

Unfortunately that probably won’t happen, so I suggest you go to a random crap clinic while I’m gone. (you’ll find one in [insert smelly city here] Detroit. (damnit!)
There are however a few things anyone can help me with. During my pause I’ll write a buffer of posts so I won’t have to take a pause anymore and will have something semi-decent atleast every day.

So what do I need?

  • More feedback on anything
  • Boobies... I mean inspiration. If you want me to write on something just ask.

The pause should normally not last very long...

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Not That Funny

Have you ever laughed about something for ages while it was actually not that funny? I’m not talking about “not that funny” as in political humor. (example: it’s not funny because it’s horrible and wrong) But what I’m talking about is really silly, pointless and stupid crap. (yet not so random) Ofcourse Random Crap wouldn’t be named Random Crap if it didn’t have a post about this… sadly it doesn’t have a post about it and hence will be named differently in the near future.

(I’m just kidding, here’s the post!)

Greatest of all time

I’m the proud owner of the very best joke in the universe. Already at age 15 had I taken the extremely difficult burden of humor upon me to endlessly provide joy and happiness for those that deserve it. Yes, in theory I may aswell be a hero (in reality an idiot) but I don’t spend my time talking about how great I am unlike other heroes (hiro nakamuro, I’m on to you!).
Anyway… the greatest joke in the world. I had a certain teacher who would everyday use the elevator to get to the third floor (he was what one would call, disgustingly fat) and one day he arrived 5 minutes late and excused himself for it. I whispered into my neighbor’s ear: “I bet the elevator broke down.”

That’s not that funny

I know damn it, that’s the point of this post! It was funny at a certain time and in a certain context, and will be funny again whenever a fat guy, who uses an elevator daily, arrives late. Does anyone actually ever listen to what I say? (granted that this was a verbal conversation) And also, do I get your thoughts right in all of my inner titles?

I encourage everyone who laughs at similar silly things to comment about them so we can all quote you and say “That’s not that funny!” aswell.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Random facts about fat people: Greatest Hits

Yes, Random Crap is obviously at its peak… so it’s time for a greatest hits post! I’ll be summarizing all of my insults towards fat people for all of you new readers, and who knows... I may even add some new ones for the die hard Random Crap fans!

The ten commandments of a blogging doctrine: “Thou shalt not make thyself an attention whore. Only two things deserve attention on this blog. The (upgraded to) divinely inspired blog author, and the divinely screwed over part of society. If you do not fit into any of these categories, you’re obviously extremely fat, and hence actually belong in the second category.

The Fat Tax : How come we get so repulsed by smokers that we forget about how abhorrent fat people eating near you are?

The Wii and exercise: “Our scientists have recently discovered that the average movements of fat guys have increased by a grand total of 40%! A simple technique was used to measure the impact of earthquakes using a seismometer to prove this

Different ways to lose fat: “Public chairs and toilets are at danger of being broken, our roads decay much quicker than usual and during stretching exercises in gym classes, some fatties look like what could only be described as a walrus flossing.

Cheap way of getting fresh content

I realise this, and I feel very guilty about it. But unfortunately I have one exam left... which is tomorrow. There’s been going on much lately in the ‘real’ life, which will all stop consuming my time the day after tomorrow (the actual day after tomorrow, which is now today!).

Some more random facts about Fat people:

They smell fear, so whenever you see one remain calm and for Gods sakes, whatever you do... don’t feed it! It’s like an old saying ‘you give it a finger and it eats your whole arm’ (I’m pretty sure I’ve got that one entirely wrong though).

I was also going to post a “how to spot a fat guy”, but I guess it’s pretty obvious how to spot one...

Random Facts about Random Crap

I sometimes make up words whenever I can’t come up with one. Somewhere in this blog you’ll see that I mention the key to success is “imaginating things”, and I’m pretty sure there are more examples scattered around the Blog... whenever I attempt this in the future, comment about it and make me look like a foreign fool!