50th post... the prospect of the future

Greetings [insert whatever it is I called the lowlifes that read my blog here]!

I know it's been a while, and that I've let you all down... but I have a really valid reason. I hate you. Right now, I see a really big ressemblance between christianity and my blog (and you all know how I feel about religions!):

1. You all think I rock, while others think I should be stoned to death
2. You've betrayed me three times already before whatever the damn book said!
3. I've been gone for ages leaving only a print of retarded dwellings of the mind.
4. You think those dwellings are the truth and that the second coming will happen.

Well brace yourselfs... for just as Jesus came back as Tom Cruise (they're VERY similar) I again will return in the form of an idiot. An idiot that will advocate his free speech ideas in a way that can only be described as...

RANDOM CRAP STYLE!


All in favor of me starting a random crap site please raise your hands?

Cynical

I'm the new blogger on here. The aussie one. Why am I here? I'm here to be as cynical as possible - no sugar-coating here. Perhaps not quite the same random crap fare - there could even be some serious comment - but nevertheless, hopefully entertaining.

The rich / poor divide

Ahh, the rich / poor divide, perhaps. Statistics show (keep in mind, all ye nitpickers, the exact numbers are unimportant - it's the general idea which is important) - that the average person in the western world has at least 20 times the usage of resources of the average person in the third world. Consider that.

Near where I live, there is a 'housing commission' suburb (ie subsidized government housing for the poor). As one would expect, this is a patently bad idea - increasing crime, etc. "let's just put all the desperate people together, shall we?". Anyway, the thrust of this is thus:

Of these people, there are a ridiculous amount of overweight people - many of whom i'd even describe as morbidly obese, taking up two bus seats. Such a problem does not affect the rich here. And it's much the same elsewhere in the western world - many of the poor have health problems due to being *overweight*.

Consider this for a moment.

This is utterly ridiculous. Consider the fact that upwards of half of most people in sub-Saharan Africa (not including South Africa of course) don't even have enough food to feed themselves properly.

Yet the *poorest* in the Western world have problems due to gluttony!

And yet, this is not even the start of our arrogantly selfish consumerism here in the western world. Sure, many of the possessions we have are very entertaining, and have a relatively low impact - or are even very, very useful to society itself, e.g. computers.

What I'm saying is that we should stop this selfishness, this blind arrogance. Perhaps we've inherited it from our racist European forebears, it's part of our psyche (and I'm referring to culture here, not race.) When Europeans arrived in the New World, they immediately exploited the people already living there as much as possible - and the same elsewhere in the world. Slavery is a topic for another day though.

Concluding comments

Does it really matter if your internet is capped, say, when, upwards of a billion people in the world, and probably more like 2 billion, live every day just to feed themselves?

Random Crap gets a new writer!

Yes, I have officially become THAT lazy. This new australian writer is not particularly funny, but he's still learning! Try to not treat him with the same kind of hatred and lurking you've treated me in the past. (you bastards!)


Yay, New Random Crap!

Indeed, I once again promise to increase my posting activity. And will eventually break that promise again. But the fact that I'm honest about it increases my credibility as a blogger right? Right?


What will he be posting about?

He's one of those people who doesn't like the current and awesome state of the world, and will most likely be posting about that. I mean, what's wrong with the current rich/poor ratio? I mean I'm rich right? Right?

Welcome Cynical! Welcome!

Why Random Crap doesn't use euphemisms

One of the key lessons in life… ALWAYS use euphemisms. (unless you’re in the entertainment business) Obviously since Random Crap is supposed to be hilarious, I usually refrain from using euphemisms. However this has a moral reason aswell.

Being straight to the point

It’s unfair that you would get punished for telling the same as someone who used a euphemism did. Using a less ‘respectful’ word for saying the exact same unrespectful thing, makes you equally big jerks . A small example would be…

“You’re a filthy whore!”

The person obviously doesn’t use a euphemism and adds a ‘filthy’ to describe all of the diseases a prostitute could have.

“You’re a prostitute!”

This person still calls someone a prostitute… but just figures the prostitute knows of her health/personal hygiene state.
So why should the first person get a slap in the face while the second one just gets an angry word? It makes no sense at all!

Always lie

That’s right! People like it when you lie to them. Why else are there so many dumbasses who fall for obvious internet scams? The only explanation is that people don’t like the truth. If you tell them the truth, they’ll be ungrateful/unhappy and won’t bring in a lot of money… So if you wish to form a business… lie to people! Scam them! Fill your pockets with their blood money! And for God sakes… when a fat guy walks into a McDonalds… don’t tell him he’s fat! It could potentially ruin the world’s economy.

Random Crap tells the Truth

I’m always straight to the point… you’ll never find me hiding behind irony or satire to make a statement. I even hate people who use pseudonyms to post on their blog, there’s no bigger lie than lying about your identity. For the record, my name is actually Random T Crap, and I’ve been made fun of a lot because of it…

Anyway, Random Crap's posting activity will be again increased for as much as I can.

Random Crap is seriously screwed!

It was a tough call to decide between posting this, and about my night two nights ago. Because the charismatic author of Random Crap does have feelings, (regardless of what one may think) I’ve chosen for ‘this’.

You’re screwed?

Oh yes I’m screwed. I’m so screwed it’s too funny even for random crap to handle. Never has anyone screwed up this badly before, since the Romans made Christianity their state religion. What have I done you ask? Lets just say laziness isn’t bliss…

Is Random Crap screwed aswell?

Random Crap will never die… it’s a lifestyle! Though due to my recent screwing up I tend to not find great/funny content to post about. I’m quite certain this is a temporary thing, and once I get over myself, I’ll be able to post some Random funny Crap again.

Signed,
The temporary not funny Random Crap idealist

Random Crap’s fun pause!

Because Random Crap is tired of coming up with funny crap all the time, posting will be on hold for a while. The reason is this: It’s vacation, the birds are singing and the women are screaming for attention. I know this goes against one of my own commandments, but I’m pretty sure Jesus broke the 10 commandments aswell (I’ll post about that sometime). What should you do when I’m gone? Preferably, write awesome content for my blog to keep it going and to make me filthy rich!

Unfortunately that probably won’t happen, so I suggest you go to a random crap clinic while I’m gone. (you’ll find one in [insert smelly city here] Detroit. (damnit!)
There are however a few things anyone can help me with. During my pause I’ll write a buffer of posts so I won’t have to take a pause anymore and will have something semi-decent atleast every day.

So what do I need?

• More requests for reviews

• More feedback on anything

• Boobies... I mean inspiration. If you want me to write on something just ask.

The pause should normally not last very long...

Not That Funny

Have you ever laughed about something for ages while it was actually not that funny? I’m not talking about “not that funny” as in political humor. (example: it’s not funny because it’s horrible and wrong) But what I’m talking about is really silly, pointless and stupid crap. (yet not so random) Ofcourse Random Crap wouldn’t be named Random Crap if it didn’t have a post about this… sadly it doesn’t have a post about it and hence will be named differently in the near future.

(I’m just kidding, here’s the post!)

Greatest of all time

I’m the proud owner of the very best joke in the universe. Already at age 15 had I taken the extremely difficult burden of humor upon me to endlessly provide joy and happiness for those that deserve it. Yes, in theory I may aswell be a hero (in reality an idiot) but I don’t spend my time talking about how great I am unlike other heroes (hiro nakamuro, I’m on to you!).
Anyway… the greatest joke in the world. I had a certain teacher who would everyday use the elevator to get to the third floor (he was what one would call, disgustingly fat) and one day he arrived 5 minutes late and excused himself for it. I whispered into my neighbor’s ear: “I bet the elevator broke down.”

That’s not that funny

I know damn it, that’s the point of this post! It was funny at a certain time and in a certain context, and will be funny again whenever a fat guy, who uses an elevator daily, arrives late. Does anyone actually ever listen to what I say? (granted that this was a verbal conversation) And also, do I get your thoughts right in all of my inner titles?

I encourage everyone who laughs at similar silly things to comment about them so we can all quote you and say “That’s not that funny!” aswell.

Random facts about fat people: Greatest Hits

Yes, Random Crap is obviously at its peak… so it’s time for a greatest hits post! I’ll be summarizing all of my insults towards fat people for all of you new readers, and who knows... I may even add some new ones for the die hard Random Crap fans!

The ten commandments of a blogging doctrine: “Thou shalt not make thyself an attention whore. Only two things deserve attention on this blog. The (upgraded to) divinely inspired blog author, and the divinely screwed over part of society. If you do not fit into any of these categories, you’re obviously extremely fat, and hence actually belong in the second category.”

The Fat Tax : “How come we get so repulsed by smokers that we forget about how abhorrent fat people eating near you are?”

The Wii and exercise: “Our scientists have recently discovered that the average movements of fat guys have increased by a grand total of 40%! A simple technique was used to measure the impact of earthquakes using a seismometer to prove this”

Different ways to lose fat: “Public chairs and toilets are at danger of being broken, our roads decay much quicker than usual and during stretching exercises in gym classes, some fatties look like what could only be described as a walrus flossing.”

Cheap way of getting fresh content

I realise this, and I feel very guilty about it. But unfortunately I have one exam left... which is tomorrow. There’s been going on much lately in the ‘real’ life, which will all stop consuming my time the day after tomorrow (the actual day after tomorrow, which is now today!).

Some more random facts about Fat people:

They smell fear, so whenever you see one remain calm and for Gods sakes, whatever you do... don’t feed it! It’s like an old saying ‘you give it a finger and it eats your whole arm’ (I’m pretty sure I’ve got that one entirely wrong though).

I was also going to post a “how to spot a fat guy”, but I guess it’s pretty obvious how to spot one...

Random Facts about Random Crap

I sometimes make up words whenever I can’t come up with one. Somewhere in this blog you’ll see that I mention the key to success is “imaginating things”, and I’m pretty sure there are more examples scattered around the Blog... whenever I attempt this in the future, comment about it and make me look like a foreign fool!

Speedcat Hollydale has been crapped on

For my segment of “I’ve been crapped on” I will review blogs for free in my stupid Random Crap way of reviewing blogs! That’s right, expect no mercy, sympathy or something else that rhymes with “e” from me! More information on how to get your blog reviewed for free can be found here.

This is Random Crap’s first attempt of ridiculing another blog, so I have chosen the blog to make fun of wisely. This time it’s “Speedcat Hollydale Page” ’s turn to be crapped on. You can put every single blog into three categories:

• Blogs that give obvious helping tips (money blogs etc)

• Blogs that amuse (I’m pretty much the only one here…)

• People who whine about their personal lives

On first sight, it seems like Speedcat Hollydale mostly whines about his personal life and hence fits in the third category. This category is usually what we would call “not interesting” or the “please kill me right now” kind of boring.
However, in some cases it actually may be quite interesting, especially if the person is an imprisoned criminal. What is my reasoning behind suspecting Speedcat Hollydale to be a con? First of all, the undeniable fact that he looks like one. Lets just face it people a mustache makes you look more like a criminal, and there’s no need to be annoying about that. But the more conclusive evidence is the following: Remember when someone couldn’t access my site due to being blocked by the windows parental control filter? This person was in fact mister Speedcat Hollydale. And apart from school kids, the only other people which have the windows safety filter on are criminals!

So tell me Mister Speedcat, how did you pull it off to get those pictures of you on a golf court? Did you pay the guards to let you out for a moment to deceive us? Is it even you on those pictures? Your time of lying and manipulating is over! OVER I TELL YOU!

edit: I actually forget the link to Speedcat Hollydale

Discrimination is not funny

Just like the great Jesus who once divided the ocean into two separate pieces (wait, that was Mohammed…) I will split my blog into two pieces aswell! Just as Microsoft chose to block my site (on the Windows safety filter) and hence discriminate people who like reading Random Crap, I will discriminate people who don’t like Random Crap!


What people?
You all know who I’m talking about, but no one has had the guts to speak up yet… Before you ask, no, it’s not the Jews. I mean sure they’re not always that great, and they’re mainly a bunch of asocial secluded asses who think they’re better than us, but I usually don’t discriminate people who have money. That would go against everything I stand for! And by God do I stand by my principles, until the right offer comes along ofcourse.


WHAT PEOPLE!?
The kind of people I’m talking about are the ones that find family guy STILL funny after 3 series, the ones that watch Leno EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! The people that laugh when you make a joke about shit or pee. These people are a menace to society and should be dealt with. Too long has our comedy been mainly aimed towards the mass, when the mass just isn’t funny!


Die Endlösung
We must exterminate all non funny people immediately, preferably in a rather humorous way. The best way to achieve this would be a parody on world war II, but only slightly funnier. (Germans have no sense of humor) Since I’ve already done the parody thing, what other ideas would you have to kill off not so funny people in a funny way?


Not so funny people in a funny death:

1. Get Mr. T to do it (no matter what happens, it’s always funny, even after 20 years!)
2. Get Conan O’brien to pull a lever, and kill the victim with a Chuck Norris video. (yes, that’s all it takes…)
3. Get Bill O’reilly to lecture about impartiality in a TV-show and give the other guy a gun. (whoever he shoots, win/win)
4. Any of the Jackass stunts

Note: Everyone who comments on "It was Moses, not Mohammed!" deserves to die just as much as someone who likes Oprah.

Microsoft Finds me Offensive

Yesterday I received this message from one of my readers: “Windows Parental Controls has blocked access to this webpage. HTTP 450 crapdom.blogspot.com What you can try: If you want access to this website, you will need permission. Ask an administrator for permission.”
Basically, the parental control filter in Windows Vista flagged my blog as inappropriate for children. While I obviously see the benefits of such a filter, I also see a violation of our free speech. Upon researching this, (that means asking a single coder) I’ve discovered that the program is led by a bunch of conservative American Christians who love to selectively filter out crap to “save” your children.

This will obviously have a negative effect on my blog traffic. So instead of removing every single “offensive” word on my blog, I’ll do the opposite and add some “fucking” more!
I seriously wonder on what other software I’m flagged upon as offensive, so I’ll do some efforts to getting flagged on other shit aswell now. (Don’t you press the “flag as offensive” button on blogger you asshole…!”) I’ll even make a list of services that have recognized me to be offensive, bad mannered or plain evil.

Crazy American Christian services Word Triggering test: Fuck, shit, happiness, porn, sex, socialism, poverty, islam, the jews, Buddha, Mohammed, Every other channel but FOX news

PS: If you know of a software/whatever that flagged me as inappropriate than please notify me so I can add it to my to be made list. Help Random Crap in it's struggle against Bill Gates!

Link love for other blogs

For my newest idea, I’m particularly counting on your input. Do you own a blog/site, and would you like to get a free link in a post about your blog? I imagined you’d think there’s a catch, but there really isn’t. There’s no requirements of linking back to me whatsoever and there’s no payment involved either.

Seriously dude, what’s the catch?

Fine… the ‘catch’ is that I’ll be writing a review on your site using the wonderful Random Crap style! That’s right, expect irony, satire absurdum and a very selective comprehension of information on your site. I will consider anyone’s requests, and will also expect them to be mature when they read the final post that shows up in my blog. I never censor things out and I’ll also never let you read my post in advance, just so you know :-)

For information on how to contact me, click this link. I’ll respond to every request, but do remember that I’m not a robot… it’s not a guarantee that I’ll “review” your blog, but it’s worth a shot isn’t it?

Random Crap’s doctrine!

I First of all feel like I somehow need to explain why I suddenly want to create a doctrine. It has come to my attention that reader activity has been dropping significantly these days. It seem like my having fantastic inspiration isn’t working very well at all. So will installing a doctrine improve my terribly low ratings? Ofcourse, you might say that it was my fault for not posting in the weekends, but in my doctrine your opinion only counts when you post a comment. (talk about a difference between other doctrines!)

The Ten Commandments of a blogging doctrine

• I am the Lord thy God.

• Thou shalt not read the scriptures of other bloggers, if you do read them (and hence ignore my perfect authority), you shall do it with a critical eye. You will by all means ignore common sense and logic when defending Random Crap!

• Thou shalt not make thyself an attentionwhore. Only two things deserve attention on this blog. The (upgraded to) divinely inspired blog author, and the divinely screwed over part of society. If you do not fit into any of these categories, you’re obviously extremely fat, and hence actually belong in the second category.

• Thou shalt not make wrongful use of the name of thy God. From now on, the polite phrases “I just stepped into dog crap” and “I’m gonna take a crap” will be replaced by their more vulgar synonyms.

• Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. In essence, the sabbath is whichever damn day I choose to do nothing at all! You will not complain about my laziness, and infact keep the blog alive by posting comments and putting in extra efforts of advertising me in the blogosphere. Even if it seems like I’ll probably never return.

• Thou shalt not steal. All of my divine godliness is here for your usage, however I demand some link love when being quoted! Preferably, adding my stories to digg and other services would be greatly rewarded aswell in the second life (which probably means video blogging)

• Thou shalt not lie, except when defending the idealogical purpose of Random Crap. Lying also does not cover selectively comprehending things.

• Thou shalt wonder where the two other commandments are, and will not suspect me of laziness or lack of inspiration, for I am divine.

Purpose of a Random Crap Doctrine

I did not write this to make fun of the innocent and charismatic followers of modern day’s doctrines. I therefore would like to throw all responsibility and accountability of going to hell away from me due to misinterpretation of the text.

So why did I make this thing? Purely due to Financial reasons… a doctrine is a very nice way of getting some extra bucks.

Captian Obvious’ helping blogs

Hey everyone, here at random crap we’re always trying to come up with new and useful resources to help make you the number 1 blogger on the net! Today we’re going to look at inspiration and how you can use it to improve your blog.

Let your imagination work!

The key to success is a firm imagination. A good and healthy imagination can help make any organization top notch. In fact business’ like microsoft, Apple and IBM are all run by giant geeks with a great imagination. There’s absolutely no shame in being creative, that is if you’re going to become a billionair because of it.

Implement your inspiration

So you spent some time on imaginating and came up with an awesome idea? Great work! The next step is implementing this into your blog. Press “new post”, write your content, and then press “publish” after rereading the creation of your inspiration. Your readers will now be inspired by your inspiration and will contribute more to your blog making it one step closer to the number 1 blog!

Keep on imaginating

Your work is never complete, you ALWAYS have to keep on imaginating to get great inspiration (or in my case random crap) for your blog! The minute you stop relying on you inspiration and start relying on paid posts (by services as reviewme and others), yYou WILL lose none of your readers at all, and even still gain readers.

So use inspiration for just aslong as you get rich.

About Random Crap

Random Crap is a blog that offers a unique way of looking at the world. This view will often be looked upon as weird, shocking and life altering. We have a natural need for random crap which has to be fed. In here, it will be pleased with irony, satire and most importantly total randomness.

Are you as sick as me of the current comedy that only serves people with extremely high standards? Do you also hate the total lack of absurdum in television programs? Do you hate the fact that you always have to pretend that something’s funny just because you don’t get it?

Read Random crap now! And lower you standards!

Contact info:

AIM : IGWofRA

Something bothering you ?

Send me an e-mail about it or make a comment on the blog and I’ll do my utmost best to ridicule whichever you requested if I like the topic!

Twitter: Random Crap

Since Random Crap likes to randomly add weird features, I signed up for twitter to tell you all how I spend my interesting and most educating days.

What does it do?

Pretty much all it does is, is allow me to post whatever I'm doing right now... so not much actually. It generally just provides yet another medium for communication with my awesome yet kinda crappy readers base!

Should I join you as a friend?

I'm not all that enthousiastic of having MORE friends, but if you just HAVE to join me as a friend, than feel free to do so :)

Single mothers

This post is part of random crap’s series of "Whoa, that IS annoying!". The main purpose of this post is to enlighten people with how annoying certain crap is. After reading these posts, one will come to the final feeling of "Whoa, that IS annoying!", thus explaining the title. Yes, these posts always have quite an inspirational clue!

The modern image of a single mother is the following: An independent, very determined women who got screwed over by some jerk that knocked her up and chickened out. This image, often promoted by filthy feminists clearly degrades women and I’ll even prove it.

Exhibit A: Using the term “independent and very determined women” emphasizes that it is a rather rare thing. Due to all of the emotional weaknesses of women, feminists feel like they have to put an emphasis on the ‘determination’ and ‘independence’ of the few women that aren’t cry-babies. This achieves a quite nasty effect though, because females will associate independence and determination with being single mothers.

Exhibit B: “Who got screwed over by some jerk that knocked her up and chickened out”

What have we learnt from exhibit A? That’s right, if you want to be independent and determined, you need to raise a baby alone! We’ve also learnt that this is because female independence is a rare thing. The jerk that knocked her up (he still is a jerk, because he was never going to call her again though) wants to give his new found love some moral and financial support. Obviously being independent and determined as few females are… the female decides to ignore and even dump the jerk!

Result:

Lots of single moms who think they rule the world with their determinedness and independence! They think they can pair up on the pedestrian crossing making you have to go slightly to the right to avoid walking against a baby, those horrible filthy smelly feminists! (yes, this is actually the reason why I wrote this)

The Blogging Branch of Random Crap

After my biggest fan (mister SpeedCatHollydale) mentioned that Random Crap was “the best in the biz”, I wondered what “the biz” actually was. I mean obviously if there’s a biz than no doubt am I topping it. (yes, I said obviously AND no doubt!) But lets say there are other funny, humorous and satirical blogs out there filled with awesome yet totally random crap…

I wish to know if I am the first person ever to post random crap on a blog (regarding of the actual meaning of the word for a slight second). I mean if so… I am a pioneer and an international hero! I am the destructor of boredom with the mighty powers of irony and absurdum combined into one very effective yet highly annoying weapon.

Yes, it isn’t easy to do what I do. So if there’s anyone else that does have the same repetitive content and the same type of slightly mentally disturbed readers I’d love to read their content… so I can mock their tiny attempt of a creation to copy the master!

If anyone knows similar blogs than please notify me by still the same e-mail, a comment, or on mybloglog.

PS: Please don’t link me to fark dot com, that would be particularly mean.

Crapdom, the exploiter of boredom and protector of crap.

I love blogging

One of the great things about blogging is the freedom, the billions of dollars you can make (total Random Crap revenue 0.03$!) and the nice work hours. Yes, blogging is the life…

However there’s another great advantage about blogging. Anyone of you ever managed an online community? After managing that, you truly appreciate the beauty of blogging, mainly because you don’t have a large community of assholes creating havoc all the freaking time! What makes blogging so great is that these people are degraded to “readers”, and only have the option to post a comment (which they’d better do to avoid some serious name calling btw!).

Yes, I guess we all agree… you have to have somewhat of a backbone to read my blog. But I’m doing this with an eye for the future. I’m doing it for you!

My goal is to scare off all of the potentially uptight/annoying people and hence I’m targeting on the cool people only! I mean seriously, which one of you would want to see: “You brutal man! I repeat sentences because I have a bad hearing, not because I’m dumb!” in a comment? Sure I know I’m taking a lot of fun away from my readers but it’s for you own good!

All-knowing as I am… I understand you want to make fun of things aswell. So if I get enough feedback, I’ll upgrade my readers again to more than just readers (I’d call them minions but I’ll go for contributors!) I’ll let you choose topics/people or even use quotes of you if I find you to be amusing. Obviously, I expect you to not become an asshole who causes havoc by interacting with people though…

You can e-mail me on stinkiewillie@gmail.com or just leave a comment for anything you hate and would want to see annihilated.

Btw, I have very little standards towards ethics… (I’m kidding, I only don’t do racist jokes so don’t ask for that)

Stealing from Slash dot org

After having read the article below, I, author of Random Crap, have sworn my allegiance to save mankind from such retarded structures. Sure a structure has a certain purpose… but when thinking an apartment’s only function is housing, and than making it shaped like a giant dildo, results into lots of complaints upon completion.

One of these silly structures has again been slightly more in the media recently, I’m ofcourse referring to the famous American “space rocket shield”. The idea is that this space shield will fly around the earth, shooting down every incoming bomb/airplane that poses a threat to the US. What both the Russians and the Americans know (and now all of you!), is that one can simply shoot thousands of leaden pipes into space to cause some serious damage to the so called “space shield”.

Ofcourse me NOT being an American, and knowing that this piece of weaponry will NOT result into me being a slave to the superior owners of the crappy rocket shield… Causes me to smile when I know it’s not wasting my tax money :)

But what’s more important than a revival of the cold war, is that I can make up buildings with similar problems aswell!

Nope, actually I can’t… I tried to, I really did but it just wasn’t funny. I guess this post is finished than.

Cheers!

- Nuke-Proof Bunker Turns Out Not Waterproof –

Part two: Questions that repeat

I think we can all agree that Random Crap has made enough jokes about fat people, there must be around a million great fat jokes already anyway… WRONG! There are never enough fat jokes… But because we all eventually have to move on I decided to pick a different topic and regardless of how wrong it is to stop making fat jokes by God I will talk about this topic!

What’s the one thing that’s worse than fat people eating in front of you? Well yes, obviously it’s fat people exercising in front of you, but enough with the whole picking on obese people. (which is how they make it a nicer term)

I’m ofcourse talking about people who ask questions that repeat the content of whatever the hell you just said. Small example:

“Tom just got a haircut.” -> “Did Tom just get a haircut?” (with lots of intonation) -> “Yes you stupid bitch, I just said so!”

I find this so extremely annoying that I just avoid talking to people who have posed such stupid questions in the past. I have literally taken large diversions to avoid talking to said identified people. It’s embarrassing not only for the person but also for me, who has the say: “yes, that is indeed what I just said…”.

Either people don’t trust my sources of information and are hence forced to ask for a second opinion, and with the lack of other people standing there they ask me twice … Or these people have no social skills whatsoever, and make conversation by repeating whatever you say.

Personally, I think it’s option 2… and that IS annoying

Lurkers

For my series of “Random insult of the week”, this could not be quite categorised as “random”. I have properly aimed on my target, and unlike Jesus whom I love (especially in Family Guy, you rock dude!) I actually do hate you God damn filthy Lurkers!

…Have I mentioned that bloggers are pretty much completely dependant on Lurkers?

*whistle*

They lurk and lurk
While you work and work
They watch and they read
As you post for your need

Your need for fresh comments,
To get you some lovin’
Come on now you lurkers,
Gimme some lovin’!

A familiar sight

At the online forums about gaming that I’m part of, there are 12 members online with none of them posting any new material. This is normal you say? It happens in chat rooms and every other online community as well?

WRONG! Well I mean it’s right, but it’s WRONG, plain WRONG!

Now that we’ve established that it’s right but actually really is WRONG, we can move on. The lurker is the person who dips his crackers to make them soft while reading a newspaper AND lurking WebPages at the same time.

It is generally assumed that because of the great multitasking skills of the lurker, “he” derives mainly from the female side. However, this goes against the fact that most women are a bunch of very loud and annoying little bitches.

Are we overlooking something than? Maybe not all women are loud annoying bitches, or maybe there are also lurkers who aren’t great at multitasking?

The simple truth… is that gay people are also good at multitasking, because they’re also partly loud and annoying, yet with a silly voice.

The conclusion

All lurkers are homosexual! That’s right, if you haven’t stopped multitask-reading this from around the third sentence, it’s time to come out of the closet and post a comment!

Note: Although often used as a term to describe gay people hiding their true nature, in this case "coming out of the closet" means “stop hiding”.

The new thingy

This post is part of my series of "Whoa, that IS annoying!". The main purpose of this post is to enlighten people with how annoying certain things are. After reading these posts, one will come to the final feeling of "Whoa, that IS annoying!", thus explaining the title.

Part 1: Bloggers

If you find reporters disgusting people, than you no doubt hate bloggers. These horrible, too lazy to get a decent hobby/job, monsters often make money off telling you what to do. Sure you say, lots of people make money of telling me what to do? But some bloggers actually don’t have anything to say, and thus consequently make money off wasting your precious time! This precious time would otherwise be spent on reading literature, losing weight, helping the poor and meeting acquaintances.

It’s fairly easy to pick out the honest and fair bloggers such as myself, who write only for the sake of mankind. Without us, the world would be filled with corruption, war, disease, poverty and… (what else goes wrong in the world?) and Paris Hilton!

So save the world and support the honest bloggers. Read my blog, make me happy and comment on what annoys you in this world!

And now for the slow and easily amused people who read my blog…

I’m implying that all bloggers are a bunch of retards crying for attention, including myself. And that by reading this you surely have wasted your time.

“Whoa, that IS annoying!”

Fat Tax

Random Crap has mentioned the Fat Tax earlier in another post, so I'll refresh your memory first before making new points.

Quote:
As globalisation provides us with increasing wealth and trade, our variety in choice of food consumption also grows. Needless to say, we have a lot of fat people these days. These fat prototypes of humans are an excruciating pain in our national budget...

...To secure our world’s beauty, economy and pride we must install a fat tax immediately! For every percentage over 20% fat you’ll have to pay a fine of 1% of your pay check which will be used for a new social weight loss program.

With all of the recent media cover on banning smoking in public areas, or even in bars. A much bigger (very funny) problem gets pushed aside.
A familiar sight is an obese man eating a hamburger wearing the stereotypical fat guy outfit consisting of a sweaty T-shirt and shorts and in some cases a baseball hat aswell. Much have we been horrified by this disgusting yet very common scene. How come we get so repulsed by smokers that we forget about how abhorrent fat people eating near you are? Why doesn't the media or the politicians cover this story?

I'm pretty sure everyone agrees on how much fat people eating smell. I mean with the usual spilling of food on their sweaty shirts and the combination of gasses must lead to an atleast equally disturbing scent as cigarettes. Ofcourse I realise that fat people eating in public doesn't cause cancer to people around them, but doesn't the emotional trauma account for anything? Who wants to see an image of a fat cow eating her lunch on a bench in the city park? And wasn't it proven that cows cause more CO² emissions than any car?

Why won't the media or the politicians cover this topic?

Because a lot of them are a bunch of overweight retards who get elected by equally large bastards to blame the fast food industry for making them fat.
My proposal is simple, you'll just have to live with the fact that there won't be any "special people" seats in the movies, titanium beds in hospitals, forklifts to help you take a dump, and even broader doorways to make the entrance of your disgusting load of fat easier.

To help encourage you to lose weight, we'll use the "lazy poor" system that's currently outdated in most Western economies, but still working fine in countries such as China and the US.
The concept is this. If you're fat, than you are lazy and we will tax the hell out of you for the avarage fat percentage during a fiscal year.

And to answer to a comment of a reader:
" When you were gone, I went outside and thus contributed to global warming.

Think of the planet and post some more random crap!"

If you're fat James, than don't fart... seriously!

Scientific study

As you've all (hopefully) noticed, after The Random Crap post about decreasing its posting activity Random Crap immidiately -- hooray! -- decreased its activity. This however was NOT an act of laziness.
A month ago I decided to make a scientifical study to see what the effect of laziness would have on a blog, and I came across some interesting, yet totally random and obvious facts!

Random Fact #1: The number of pageviews drops really, really hard. Comparing the two active weeks of April to the whole month of May shows a decrease in pageviews of around 300%. And if I'm really bad at calc -- which I am -- than it could be more.
Random Fact #2: There are still some very awesome people who still visit the blog almost on a daily basis, despite the lack in activity.
Random Fact #3: James -- Are you the new Zealander I think you are? Or are you not a New Zealander and just some random guy who's now very creeped out at me mentioning you?
Random fact #4: Apparantly more sites refer to you when you're inactive than when you're active. (anyone know what 'netvibes' is?)

All of these random facts are nothing without a random conclusion, so I've also randomly concluded the following things:

Random Conclusion #1: If you want a lot of pageviews/readers... don't try out the "not-posting" thing.
Random Conclusion #2: James, -- yes, I really hope it's the real James -- I take back all of my comments on you being lazy, eventhough you kinda are
Random Conclusion #3: If you don't care about how many people read your blog, and just want to randomly make the world a dumber place, you can come back at anytime and make up some fake excuse telling you your absence was all in the name of science.

I did this experiment for more purposes than the ones stated above. In my time of absence I have consumed less energy than I would've normally used and have therefore contributed to saving the world from global warming.
So tell me, what have YOU done while I was gone?

Exams

My exams are coming up, so I'll be forced to take a break and hit the books. I'll be back in three months :(
I'll try to atleast weekly come up with something to write.

Layout Feedback

I'm playing with the layout a little bit to see which colors work best... I think I'm going for a lighter skin but I haven't decided yet.
Give me some feedback please :)

Random insult of the week: Jesus

Every week, random crap finds another Random person to insult...

This is one of these topics which are “not done”, but I’m sick of His popularity! It drives me nuts, and it really annoys me!

People thinks he’s so great just because he could turn water into wine. Wow, he can turn water into wine! How convenient at parties and birthdays. But did you ever consider the fact that this encourages our children to drink? Don’t get me wrong, I like to drink some wine on proper occasions as well, but will somebody please think of the children?!? I don’t want my children reading literature which promotes alcohol!

Now if he could turn wine into water, I’d be impressed. Sadly, Jesus apparently found it a lot more fun to use his skills as a form of entertainment, which really disappoints me. I expected more from the Son of God.

The Gay Bomb weapon

As you may all know, the Americans attempted to build a gay bomb back in the 90’s which would make their foes irresistible to each other. After the drop, all men having had contact with the gay bomb would immediately have contact with uhm… other men.

However this weapon was never finished. Or was it? Recent reports proving the opposite have caused public suspicions even within the UN. When asked about the weapon President Bush subtly avoids the question “Gays? Where!?”.

We at the Random Crap news team decided to investigate and have come up with some disturbing news.

A giant wave of homosexuality has been spotted in France. This wave is so huge it could only have come from the gay bomb. Is this the start of a new world war? Probably not, the men of France are currently occupied with other things than waging war and the women are massively emigrating to Germany. Stay tuned for more news!

South Park Episode 09x01

Inspired by the South Park episode 01 of season 09, or “Mister Garrison’s fancy new vagina”, I’ve concluded the following things.

Sometimes people are born in the wrong body, and hence are greatly saddened by this apparently terrible mistake of nature. It’s a really natural thing to want to have a penis instead of a vagina, or the best of both worlds. Luckily for these poor nature-screwed people, there is something called “cosmetic surgery”.

This fantastic ethical business provides you with a new chance, a new beginning. The dawn of a new era as a woman, or a man. If done professionally, no one will notice the difference between you and any other ugly woman meaning you can go out and get your pussy pounded without anyone noticing you’re a dude! For a fair price of a generous 5 figure number, you can change your life, on the outside!

The Cowards!

I found this somewhere on the net… and I think it’s quite easy to state something like that when you haven’t been in such a situation. Anyway, no point doing a satire on this as it’s ridiculous enough on its own.

Spirit of Self-Defense

By: John Derbyshire, National Review Online

As NRO's designated chickenhawk, let me be the one to ask: Where was the spirit of self-defense here? Setting aside the ludicrous campus ban on licensed conceals, why didn't anyone rush the guy? It's not like this was Rambo, hosing the place down with automatic weapons. He had two handguns for goodness' sake—one of them reportedly a .22.

At the very least, count the shots and jump him reloading or changing hands. Better yet, just jump him. Handguns aren't very accurate, even at close range. I shoot mine all the time at the range, and I still can't hit squat. I doubt this guy was any better than I am. And even if hit, a .22 needs to find something important to do real damage—your chances aren't bad.

Yes, yes, I know it's easy to say these things: but didn't the heroes of Flight 93 teach us anything? As the cliche goes—and like most cliches. It's true—none of us knows what he'd do in a dire situation like that. I hope, however, that if I thought I was going to die anyway, I'd at least take a run at the guy.

The earth is flat!

I saw the light. Yes, raw intelligence and persuasion at its best have lead me to believe that the earth is indeed flat. No, not believe… I KNOW for a fact that the earth is flat! NASA and the governments of every single country in the world have fooled us for too long. I will do my utmost best to spread out the word!

If you’re wondering why you’ve never seen a photo of the flat earth model, it’s because NASA fakes all of the round earth pictures. You haven’t seen the giant ice wall holding our atmosphere because it’s being closely guarded too (and we’re not going to complain about air being thinner than ice and therefore leaving the ice wall!). Why on earth would they do such a thing? We don’t know, but we presume it’s money!

What about the stars?

The sun and the moon are each 32 miles in diameter. They circle around the Earth at 3000 miles altitude. Their functions are similar to a spotlight, with the sun radiating hot light and the moon radiating cold light. Being spotlights, they only shine out over a small area. This explains the process of day and night!

All of the problems you still have with this theory that I haven’t yet addressed, you can ask on this splendid forum and I’m sure they’ll be delighted at you taking an interest in their marvellous theory!

Year of the week 1980

Led Zeppelin decides to split up, the geeks are happy with a new star wars film and the United States imposes economical sanctions upon Iran. Yes, it was a really bad year for a lot of people. But there were some positive things about 1980!

Nelson Mandela crushed apartheid… well he tried to… from within a prison. Ooh and then there was John Lennon… who got shot… and died. Ooh and a terrorist attack in Italy… that’s no good either right?

Ok maybe it WAS a bad year, but the good thing was that after 10 years of hell those dreadful tasteless eighties would finally end.

Masturbation side effects

A recent study has showed that pulling your Benjamin, dick, willy or Junior will cause permanent baldness, dizziness and proper arm strength. An earlier study had already highlighted the risk of blindness amongst wankers. The scientists have carefully studied groups of a 1.000 individuals each pulling their dong a different amount of times a week. The group that had the highest workload suffered from blisters, cancer and loss of hair while the group that refrained got a job promotion, a better love life, $10.000 and a cookie.

This once again proves that being ethical pays off!

The church of refraining,

Technorati

I joined technorati to check it out and possible get some new readers. It's pretty much a communication service for bloggers to find similar blogs such as your own, or just other blogs to read.

Profile

I hope this proves to be interesting...

The wii and excercise

Ever seen the stereotype of the fat guy behind his computer? Not lately? Well that’s because of the revolutionary Nintendo wii! This fine new piece of electronics has drastically changed the lives of lots of gamers.

Our scientists have recently discovered that the average movements of fat guys have increased by a grand total of 40%! A simple technique was used to measure the impact of earthquakes using a seismometer to prove this. More evidence can be found in the decrease of giant spandex shorts sales, and fire escapers get less and less rescue calls for fat guys who got stuck in a chair.

This awesome piece of equipment is the perfect substitute for real sports, and should get a spot on the Olympics!

Ban violent games

Nowadays it appears to be normal for our kids to play games in which the purpose is to kill your fellow man. Games such as GTA and Counter-Strike corrupt our children’s minds. For too long have our children been allowed to play these violent video games!

There’s a direct link between the popularity of GTA and the amount of traffic violations!

As you can clearly see, and graphs never lie, there’s been an increase in car accidents after the distribution of GTA. We thereby strive to take this game out of the shops, drastically decreasing our yearly traffic victims.

The popular game Counter-strike has been directly responsible for the recent rise of terrorism throughout the world. Everyone who plays terrorists in this popular game has a 77.42% increased chance of becoming a terrorist, while there’s only a 33.81% increased chance of working for the secret service. This game is an outrage and for national security reasons every copy of this game has to be destroyed immediately!

I hope for the sake of our children and national security we’ll end the reign of these terrible games and replace them with religious games about the adventures of Jesus and Mozes.

Ideology of the WEAK: Anarchism

Do you hate order? Are you against any form of control and shiver at the fact of having to pay taxes? Become an anarchist!

No more police forces to stop criminals from breaking the law, breaking in and breaking out. No more silly laws which stop you from having sex with animals, little children, or co-workers. Never again will you be legally punished for walking around naked in circles around the drinking fountain in which you spontaneously pee.

Free us from the dreadful world of politics, and become an anarchist!

Year of the week: 1872

In this week’s segment of year of the week, the year 1872 will be thoroughly reviewed. It was a bad year for men and a good year for meteorites.

On November the 5^th a lawbreaking female suffragist named Susan B Anthony had the nerve to vote! The woman was given an arrest warrant and a $100 dollar fine which she never paid. This lawbreaking bitch is one of the founders of the retarded phenomenon called ‘feminism’, and possibly a lesbian.

The only good thing about the year 1872 is that it’s been so long that this Susan B has obviously passed away.

More coming next week!

The super deluxe confidence deal

You’re a low confidence midget who’s not good with words? You can’t count your friends on one hand because it’s too embarrassing? You’ve been compared to Steve Urkel?

Fear no more, for it is super crap advertising that is here! We’re offering you the unique super deluxe Confidence pack for only 299.99$! Don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to change! If you buy within the hour it won’t cost you 299.99$, but ONLY 199.99$! that’s a 100$ PROFIT! Hurry and E-mail me for more information about this fantastic product and you might be one of the lucky nerds to win A BOWL OF CHARISMA!

The intelligent marketing team

Different ways to lose fat!

As globalisation provides us with increasing wealth and trade, our variety in choice of food consumption also grows. Needless to say, we have a lot of fat people these days. These fat prototypes of humans are an excruciating pain in our national budget.

Public chairs and toilets are at danger of being broken, our roads decay much quicker than usual and during stretching exercises in gym classes, some fatties look like what could only be described as a walrus flossing.

To secure our world’s beauty, economy and pride we must install a fat tax immediately! For every percentage over 20% fat you’ll have to pay a fine of 1% of your pay check which will be used for a new social weight loss program.

For too long have we just accepted this repulsive overload of fat… we need to take action, now!

Controlled Democracy

We all know our fellow human is getting dumber and dumber and that our sources of fine and lettered reading are becoming increasingly harder to find. Therefore we are, in the upcoming elections, largely dependant on a group of dumb people (And I’m not even talking about congress)
This calls for some drastic measurements to save our world from stupidity!

A person who wishes to become a registered voter must first take an IQ test. The person’s score will be anonymously uploaded onto his electronic voting card without his score being revealed to him.

The following rules will then apply:

- If the person has a score of over 100, his vote will count.

- If the person’s score is between 90-100 it won’t count

- If the score is under 90 it will count as a negative vote for who ever he voted for.

The same criteria count for elected politicians. If they don’t match an IQ of over 100, they’re fired!

Damn you Google!

I put up a few google ads out of curiosity (fine, because I want to make money off you!) and I quickly found myself to be annoyed by it… I never asked for an ad search bar on top and I never asked for ads about bulimia or Mary Kate Olsen either!

THIS WASN’T PART OF THE DEAL GOOGLE!

On a slighter note, I presume that no one’s upset because of my greed. And if you are feel free to comment on it.

Sweet irony of a peaceful religion

Since we can't always be so serious, I'll post a poem I made once:

I told someone I like to help
Because it makes me feel good
I told someone I want world peace
Because it takes the guilt away
I told someone I never hate
Because it only attracts more hate
I told someone I don't discriminate
Because it means we're not all the same
I told the same guy I don't believe in Jesus
He told me I would rot in hell

Abortion: The revenge

I think we’re all quite clear on this, it’s okay to abort! But lets make a slightly bigger step… What if after you’ve given birth, you decide your baby’s too ugly, he cries too much, or he looks just a slight bit too much like the milkman…

Well the liberal/progressive party offers you with a solution! If you don’t like your child, you can “return” it till up to 2 years after the birth! After all, why should you be the one to suffer from your mistakes, when someone else can?

Be the first to return your child and get to pick another one in our local childstore! We assure you that our collection is of the finest quality and that none of the children have any diseases or bad ethnic backgrounds. We hope to hear from you soon!

The liberal team

Join the army!

I got this E-mail today... thought I'd show you.

Dear sir,

We’ve been informed of your blatant use of 'Uncle Sam Propaganda Image 001' to promote various ideologies. Though we do think Global Warming is a load of crap and that those damn emo’s should stop whining and enlist, we cannot allow you to use our copyrighted material for your own personal needs.

We demand that you stop use immediately and are prepared to drop all legal charges if you use it one last time to promote our army!

General H,
US army

Anti Global Warming Lobbying

Are you sick of those tree hugging scientists and their fancy graphs and research? Sick of them telling you not to drive your hummer and “save energy”? Do you hate as much as I hate the people who would jeopardize our fabulous economy to save a few billion people and some precious animals and trees?

We want you, to be rich!

Drive your car all you want without extra taxes because it’s a diesel. Screw public transportation as it’s for losers! Let our companies pollute their property just like any other person has the right to put salt on his land!

Help us win the war against “Global Warming”! Because after all, who needs evidence when you’ve got big bucks!?!